How I Went To The ER Before Noon Today Or How I Became Earringless.

Holy shit.

I kick ass.

That's all there is too it.

After a fun filled evening of music and chasing tail at the Triple Nickel, I found myself without any phone numbers (which wasn't really the point. I was just enjoying flirting with the beautiful baby girls.). I did however talk to an old friend of mine JAMES PORTER, who commented on my gauged earrings and how he never thought me of all people would get my ears pierced. Me neither for that matter... The night got late as hell, and I found myself getting home from the bar around 2:30ish. I got the coffee pot ready, and laid down for about 45 minutes or so.

Got up and did the usual 5-6 mile bike ride to Costco, how i found the energy to make it there I'll never know and thank god for Coffee. Coffee, you are my best friend.

I found myself stocking the freezers once again. Its a job I'm damned good at and I usually end up over there 2-3 days a week covering other people's days off.

The store got the shit kicked out of it yesterday and the freezer was a mess. I knew i was worn out and this day was going to be a chore so i dove in head first and started busting my ass....

It felt as though i was not making any headway... I kept stocking and I kept stocking, but It seemed as if it wasn't enough... It was about 6:30am, and 7am, our break time, fast approaching, and i try to pick up the pace even more.

I started stocking an ice cream variety pack. Its wiped out, so I've got myself pretty much completely inside the door stocking the product and moving as fast as i can, which to be honest wasn't anywhere near top speed.... I was pooped, but still fast enough...

That's when it happened.

You see, each freezer door has a florescent bulb, with a plastic cover upon it. Keeping that plastic cover attached to the wall is a Metal CLIP. Here, let me show you a photo:



Now I'd like to show you another photo. In this photo, I want you to take a good look at my ears.....




And now here is another photo, and I'd like you to take a good look at my ears....




See the difference? One has earrings, the other definately does not have earrings.


Now I know how awesome this looks, please take your eyes away from the awesomeness that is I, Damian, and allow me to continue my story.

You see, I'm all the way in the freezer door stocking these wonderful ice cream variety packs (which i took a photo of, but it didn't turn out. Sadface.) I'm coming out of the freezer door at "full blast," which as previously noted is more like half blast on this day.... My earring had somehow got caught on THE METAL CLIP shown above. Yes, that photo above is the actual culprit and its identity has not been changed to protect the innocent. Now I had absolutely no clue the earring was in the door, or i obviously would not have stood up and back as abruptly as i did. No sir, I sure would not have....

So I pretty much jump out of this door so i can grab more fucking Ice Cream Variety packs, and POP! Out comes the earring. Now I immediately knew i lost the earring, but i didn't know the severity of it for about another 2 seconds. As I stand there I see the earring sitting on the metal clip and i think to myself what any reasonable half asleep man would.

"Fuck. That ain't right."

Well folks, as you have already seen in the photo above, i ripped the mother fucker clean out of my left ear. Yes sirree-bob. There would be blood. I immediately went to the reciving bathrroom, I peed, cause you know, I had to pee. Lots of coffee. Then I washed my hands like every good employee should, and I grabbed a handful of paper towles and clotted up my ear and went back to work.

Read that again. I went BACK TO WORK. I'm a stupid, stubborn mother fucker and in my sleepless daze, I didn't think it was that bad, and lets be honest, there was probably a small ping of Shock involved as well.

Did i mention that it did NOT HURT AT ALL. I just ripped the damned thing out and it didn't sting, hurt, anything. POP! It was just ripped out. Woo hoo!

So I go back to work, and the guy I'm working with, who i have to add is my favorite person in the store and I love working with this guy. He gets it, and he took me under his wing and makes sure I get what i need and he always gives me constructive criticism, and he just kicks ass. So Mark Jones drives his forklift up to me and asks what's wrong. When i tell him what happened he insisted that i tell a manager, but man, we had a ton of stuff to get done and Gosh Darn it! I wanted to get it all done! So I refused!

Well Mark is smarter than me, and went and grabbed Matt the manager (and one of the guys who hired me and also likes to tell me how much i kick ass.) He takes one look and demands I stop everything and go to the ER.....


So by now, I realize, yes. I need to go to the ER. Ok. Fine. I'll go. and we go. For a sunday morning, it was a wham bamb thank you ma'am, kind of morning. We were in and out in about an hour and a half.

I was honestly having a blast. I'm an attention loving whore, and I was eating all this up. The nurses in the ER were laughing at me as i told them the story and how I kept trying to work, yadda, yadda, yadda and we had a good time. The doc was all business and was in and out, and the CNA asked it i had any neosporan, then recalled a few minutes earlier how i was discussing being a bachelor and gave me a handful of samples, which she in turn told me to hide in my pocket. I liked her a lot. :)

We got there at about 7am, and returned to the store right around 8:20ish. Super, quick, and I received 9 stitches, a new record for me.

What's funny is, the only times i have been admitted to the hospital were to get stitches. This is the first time they were NOT in my right hand. haha.

Got back to the store and filled out paper work, all while showing off my wonderful new body modification. They asked if i wanted to call it a day and go home, but HELL NO. There was still work to do, so I went back to the scene of the crime and went right back to work.

We were still fucked and it looked like SHIT, but i was a trooper, and besides, It didn't hurt at all. The stitches hurt more than the actual ripping.... So I manned up and went back to work. (and lets face it, I was trying to impress everyone as well with how HARDXCORE I was. haha) And that was about it.


Oh and thank god for workman's comp! whew! If this had happened at home or something, I don't know what i would do... I would probably just have a fucked up ear....

And the doc said I should be able to put my earrings back in in a couple of days. We'll see if i do. We're not suppose to wear them at work to begin with. Its mostly a dress code thing, but since i work before the store opens, no one cared because the customers rarely saw me. So we'll see. Maybe its a sign that I need to get rid of them.

Oh and James Porter? Fuck you for bringing it up! haha. You jinxed me you bastard....

That was my day. I told the story about another 100 times before i made it out the door and since i got home I've told it about 3 more times...

And how do i feel? Great. My ear is sore, but for some damned reason my ego is soaring. I'm the only guy i know who eats this kind of shit up. I love it, but of course its all the attention I'm loving... haha.


So to gain further attention, here are more photos for your viewing pleasure. Please don't stare at the awesomeness for too long. Its just simply too much for you to handle.








aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... All stitched up:

Mostly Harmless Issue #2

So tonight we continue to look at my past life a zinester. It was somewhat short lived in its colorado form. Once upon a time, I lived in Shreveport, Louisiana and with my, then, closest friends we has a Zine called KGB Propaganda, where i honed my skills as one of the best punk rock interviewers around (Once again, I am being humble here.)

I look at Mh#2 with half pride and half horror. I threw this monster together within days before the deadline with hopes that i could get it printed and done in time for Tour with my then roommates band: Harrison Bergeron (myspace.com/harrisonbergeron) and SxSw.

Some of the layouts and pages I'm quite proud of and some of them... Well.... They suck Page 3 for example, is just awful. I had intended to dedicate a great portion of this issue to a fallen comrade, Kyle Wattz. I posted a few queries on the internet asking for people to write about their favorite memories of Kyle and i even wrote to the 1-800-Hopeline letting them know I would donate a full page add to them. I got zero replies with the exception of a very quickly written piece by our friend Ryan Moore.

I was hoping for pages of photos and pages for memories of Kyle and his short lived life, and planned for it accordingly, but when it came down to the deadline i had nothing except Ryan's letter, which was originally meant to be used as a dedication to the section.

I used the best photo i could get my hands on and tried to make the layout work to the best of my abilities, but it was super last minute and I was already late sending it off to the printers. I threw it together and have regretted it ever since. You open the first page of the magazine and you see this poorly, poorly, POORLY laid out page... Its my biggest source of embarrassment with this issue...

I found out once i got it from the printer that a few things were missed here and there. Pictures shifted, words dissapeared, graphics out of layout, ect, and really amateuresque stuff that i think detracts from the quality of this issue. There are also some really subpar reviews hastily thrown together by yours truly. I have such a hard time explaining why i like or dislike music. Its a pain to write reviews. You'd think after 10+ years of doing it, I'd have gotten a little better.... And then the Column by my friend Renee, was mostly Filler. Really not very good stuff. It needed to be flushed out more, but because of the lack of Kyle memorials i had space to fill and in it went...

But Its not all bad. I'm rather proud of the Layout on the Joey Cape article, and the photos (taken by yours truly.) It was nice to get some help and not do it all 100% by myself and have some help from Tim Browne (who promised to do more for issue #3 but never came to the rescue, thank you very much.)

I absolutely fell madly in love with THE ERGS working with them on this issue, and oddly enough when i saw them perform, I was not even in attenance to interview them, but them impressed me so GREATLY that I went for it and it was well, well worth it. I love the layout, and I love the interview even more (you can actually listen to it at: myspace.com/mhmagazine). Great Guys. Great band. I'm glad i got to not only meet them, but interview them before they broke up last year. :(

I absolutely LOVE the cover and would one day like to get a tattoo of it upon my body. Damian Willcox is a phenomenal artist and he really came through for me at the 11th hour when Travel Foreman could not... The interview was most excellent as well... Reading it you'd never know it was done Question and Answer style via EMAIL. I sent him 15 or so questions, but tried to predict the course of the conversation and created a real FLOW for it that is missing in almost all "interviews" done via Email. It also helps that Damian really GOT what I was going for.

All in all, I love this issue for all its faults and its promises. I'm sadened that this was the final chapter for Mostly Harmless, or at least its final chapter in Print.

I had issue #3 halfway finished. Interviews with No Trigger, Sick of it all and NONE MORE BLACK were to grace the issue. I was searching for a heavier comic book artist to do the cover art, but alas could never find anyone who i felt comfortable with doing the cover for what i perceived to be a heavier issue.

I also never could sell any advertising. I'm just not a salesman. I'm great at interviews. I'm good at booking shows and making flyers and writing about shows, but when it comes right down to it, I was awful at selling ads for the zine.

I think if i tried to revamp this TODAY, right now, and make it happen, i could do it very easily. I've made all the right connections and i know all the right people that i could plausibly make a really cool zine and make it FREE and have the advertising to support it. But I think for now, Print is in a massive recession. I don't want to say print is dead, because it will never be dead.

Just as Vinyl l was perceived as dead, is in the process of making a solid comeback. I think Print and more specifically ZINES will do the same. We just have the embrace the collectivity and the specialty that a print zine can hold. The Internet will slowly fade and one day we'll find ourselves reading actual books again. I mean, Myspace seems to be on a swift decline as people move on to other forms of time waste/management. Who knows what will be next..... Who knows.

In the meantime, I'm going to join the enemy, I'll work on posting more posts related to music, movies, comics and whatever the hell else i feel like writing about. I'll post video and video interviews. I'll make an ass out of myself and we'll all have a good time. I'll never give up hope on restarting the old girl and doing her RIGHT, and with the knowledge and experience i have learned.

Please read the old girl and enjoy her, if you can. Write me and let me know what you think. I can be reached here in the comments, myspace (myspace.com/iamdamian) and email: damian(dot)burford(at)gmail(dot)com

Keep watching this page for more stuff.... Please send your ideas and kick my ass if i lag too much between postings....

Until next time....

Bookmarks

I've found a bookmark on the 86th page of one of the greatest books i have ever read. Was this the last page the previous owner turned? Marking the next chapter for him or her to come back to before losing the book? Was the book not quite the flavor the expected? Or was this simply the chapter the loved the most and upon finishing the book, chose to mark it for the next one whose path this book may lie in? Or perhaps it is just another piece of paper in a book, trapped between two pages. Lost. Forever.

Mostly Harmless Magazine Issue #1

So this is the "First" Issue of Mostly Harmless Magazine. I had previously compiled an issue of Mostly Harmless #1 waaaay back in 2002 or something like that. Waaay back in the day. It was compiled and finished, but never published. Most of the interviews in that issue are allllllll the way over on my old website: www.shrevepunx.com/iamdamian.

I also put out an Issue #Zero of Mostly Harmless to promote Issue one. It had the A Wilhelm Scream interview along with the, what i believe to be the FINAL interview with my favorite pop-punk band from Denver, THE GAMITS. It only had an 100 issue print run all done at Kinko's.

Fast forward to November of 2005, I put out the first official issue of Mostly Harmless. We did a 1,000 issue print run and included was an incredibly open and honest interview with Christian Jacobs, the lead singer and producer of Yo Gabba Gabba! (the world's greatest children's television show). As well as a reprinting of the amazing drunken interview with A WILHELM SCREAM (which you can listen to at: http://www.myspace.com/mhmagazine) and another incredibility drunk interview with an incredibly underrated Gainsville Band, J.Page.

I look back at this issue and it makes me cringe. The Graphic design is AWFUL (while better than almost all other Zines...) I self taught myself Adobe InDesign and made issue #1 in a couple of Days. I didn't edit enough stuff out, and well, the music reviews in the back are AWFUL. Its come to my attention that while I love music and i am one of the best interviewers of bands on this PLANET (and this is modesty. I've read a ton of zines and most interviewers are awful....) I'm good. Anyways, I can't write CD/Music reviews to save my life... But i keep trying... Just like that fat kid trying to sleep with the head cheerleader. Maybe he'll finally succeed when she's fat, divorced with 4 kids and the only accomplishment in life she has is she went to beauty school and graduated 7th in her class.....

Anyways. I'm working on my new music projects and well, Why not start at the beggining and re-evaluate what I've done before and where I'm going from here. So here we go. Here is issue one in all its JPEG Glory.

It got good reviews from all the right people, but I didn't sell a single add... Not only can I not write music reviews, I can't sell ads. Alas... I'll stick to getting drunk and asking stupid Questions.

Issue #2 will be on here soon and then We'll move on to the new, new project.... Maybe for that post, I won't have drank 5 New Belgium Might Arrow Pale Ales on an Empty Stomach and be able to write more coherent sentences, but probably not. haha

Stay Tuned.....




































BTW T-shirts were never made... Sad Face....