Friday, May 4, 2012

Big, Warm, Comfy Blanket of Destruction.

 This is straight from my brain, and no rereading or editing. Take it as you will. I hope someone who might be as crazy as me can get something from this as well... Expect more random journal essays or whatever this is.

My depression came on strong, hard and fast today. I'm not entirely sure why. Its not that I have anything to be depressed about... Stressed maybe, Depressed? No.

I've had some awesome adventures these last few weeks. I've been traveling a lot, meeting lots of people, getting to know people better. I've also been drinking too much and spending too much money. My severance from my old day job is just about gone and I've barely been working my other job bartending.

Mostly when I'm at home, I sit at home and do NOTHING. There is no reason to get out of bed, or in my case my couch, since its too warm in my bedroom to actually SLEEP, and my couch is more comfortable than my Pillow Top, King sized bed, for some damned reason.

Actually the day started off just fine. I work up around noon. I read the news, surfed the internet... Then I ingested 8 cups of super strong French Press Coffee and my brain just went haywire.

I always drink a significant amount of coffee. I love coffee. I even have a coffee tattoo. Its my favorite beverage. When I actually had a day job, I would drink POTS of the stuff. I was motivated. I moved, I shook with anticipation of all the things I could accomplish. Now with this lull in my life, I can barely drink two cups without getting the shakes, and my day is ruined. I can't function.

Today was different. I was to work on the podcast. I was to sit down and record the bookends of Monday's episode, knowing I would be busy all weekend in Denver. The motivation just isn't there. When I worked the day job, all I wanted to do was work on my show, now that I have all the time in the world, I just don't care.

As it is, I'm awful at doing things for myself. When I have absolutely no one depending on me, I tend to let myself down. Its a horrible trait and one I'm working to squash, but its been ingrained in me since, well, always and its incredibly hard to change the way your hardwired.

So I sat here and just couldn't get motivated to do ANYTHING. I couldn't sit still, but I didn't care. That old familar blanket of emotions has covered me with its warmth..... And that's the thing about Depression. Its welcoming. Its warm. Its comforting. That's what makes it the most dangerous. Its all those negative thoughts flooding to the surface and its a lot like drowning. Once you give in to the water, its warm. Its welcoming and you embrace it.

Its taken me a long time to learn what those feelings are and what they entail. Where they come from. They come almost seemingly out of nowhere. I saw THE AVENGERS last night. I met an amazing woman last weekend, and the weekend before I traveled and saw parts of the country I've never seen! Its been a good run. Why now? Why is it coming TODAY?

I've found that I have a natural defense to bury the majority of my emotions. I come off as a calm and cool guy, but deep inside its an eternal struggle on a level I'm not quite away. For years I've had anger management issues and its taken a lot of work and care to teach myself to just be ANGRY. To let it out and let it flow and not bottle it up. I may have also added an unhealthy trait of Apathy into my diet. I've taught myself, as my old wise black roommate use to say: "Shake it Off," but one wonders how much of it is actually shaken off, and how much of it is simply buried deep inside waiting to come out.

When I start getting Ill, these emotions, some deep and dark, others not, just buried, come flooding to the surface. It can be overwhelming. Its a lot like the old Warner Brothers cartoons where you have an Angel and a Devil on your arms whispering into your ears, telling you what to do an how to do it. Its not voices, its your ideas. The sickness comes, and it takes away all those filters and protection my brain has built up to protect from those negative thoughts and uses that energy to fight the sickness. Thus leaving my psyche vulnerable to the dangers of those dark negative thoughts I can generally shake off.

I think that makes some kind of sense, without me sounding completely psychotic. My father is completely psychotic and its a fear I've held for my entire life that I am also as crazy as he is. I know that's every child's nightmare, but sometimes when I get this way, down and dirty, I feel my father in the room.... Its unsettling.

 I haven't been sleeping too well in the last few months. I've never been an especially good sleeper anyways. I fear my father's Sleep Apnea may have taken hold of me as well. I often wake up in the middle of the night short of breath and my heart pounding out my chest. Heart disease is a big favorite of the family's genetics.

Usually when I have a bought of Depression coming on, I just take a nap. It helps reset the brain and I feel much better. Lately I haven't been able to get to sleep before four or five am, even with sleeping aids. Some of it is stress, some it if comes from having nothing to do and sleeping all damned day. I'm a natural night owl, as it is, but come on! I love to sleep, and when it does not come it is increasingly distressing.

Coffee, generally makes me feel FANTASTIC! I understand why there are so many meth and coke heads out there in the world. I love SPEED. I love going fast. I feel myself after a few cups of coffee. I feel normal. Its the ADD in me. Hell, just typing this stuff out at 100 words a minutes helps me feel fantastic. So today when I drank the eight 8oz cups of coffee and I feel actually worse, I know something is up. And wonderful, my normal routine of napping it out can't happen because I can't stand still.

The problem with me when I get depressed, I just don't give a damned about anything. I don't want to do anything, for me or others. I just turn into a self destructive individual whom only wants to sit in one place and tune everything out. 

But thanks to the coffee not allowing me to sit still, I sit down and FORCE myself to take care of some business. I sit down and call the IRS and we worked out some stuff that I had neglected to do in the past (due to this damned depression.)  I'm broke, a major cause of stress, so I cancelled some services I no longer need. I wrote a few emails and BAM! I feel better. I worked through it.

It dawns on me, that I might actually be getting a summer cold, and that's where the despair comes from as detailed above. Or maybe its this. I need to work. I need to do SOMETHING. One day a week at the Black Sheep is not enough. They've offered me some bullshit work, but its not enough. I'm not valued there, and when I can't shake off that feeling anymore. Plus I want to WORK. I want to stay busy.

The only problem, as I talked about above, I have a hard time just WORKING FOR MYSELF. I'm sure it comes from years of my mentally abusive father telling me that I'm worthless and wasting my time every day as a little boy (and the sad fact that I listened...) that have taught me not to value my own self worth, but you better believe that if someone needs me, and I'm not being a sad sack, I'll be there in a heartbeat. I like working for others and helping others. Why the hell can't I do that for myself?!?! What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm sure a good therapist could help me astronomically with these issues, and I'll look into that. I do know I am AWESOME. I am great. My show is really good and slowly building an audience. Why don't I care about it today? Why do I want to throw it all away and just SLEEP. How can I get my selflessness to take a turn and turn into me working for myself? Geez Louise. I am a crazy ball of madness, aren't I?

I had for gotten how therapeutic it is to just write down your thoughts. The last super bad bout of insomnia I faced was cured by writing an eight page email...  I live alone. The majority of my best friends are scattered around the country and I have few people here in the Springs to really, REALLY Talk too. So I keep these ideas and thoughts and feelings trapped inside. It feels good to write them down. It feels good to express them to other people, even if it is only on a computer screen. Already with this here I feel much better.

So I've decided to start looking at other opportunities for me and my "career." I've applied for a Pell grant to go to school. I've got unemployment coming, but I want to stay busy. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to stay in the Springs, or I'd start really looking for a day job. I've been half assed offered a "Big" job at the Sheep, but it might be six months or six years before it happens. Its unfortunate that the guy I was hired to basically replace has never actually left the venue.... Its unfortunate that I went from running the Triple Nickel, essentially, to being just a throwaway asset.

I'm going to try to hammer out some more work for myself on my show ( I'm going to try to make it bigger, but its hard to motivate myself to do it. I want to. I just don't have that ENERGY to do it for myself. I'm going to look into volunteering. If i can volunteer somewhere, make a difference and have a REASON to get out of bed every morning, I think that will make a big difference in my mood and character.

So much better. Most of that coffee has worn off. Its nice and warm in my apartment. I'm going to Denver tonight to Volunteer at a Huge little Mini-Fest. I think i might feel a nap coming on before I venture northward...... Before I venture off into another adventure....


1 comment:

  1. Damian, I know how you feel. I had some issues with PTSD for a while. If you'd ever like to talk, we're friends on facebook (I know a few people who speak very highly of you). I would love to help you out with anything I can, even if it's just getting you into contact with some people who can help you with your podcast and stuff. I'd love to meet up with you and talk if you're interested. (Fish or flax seed oil and St. John's Wart do wonders for depression, at least in my experience).