Its back.

That feeling is back. I can;t control it. It comes creeping up, like a slow wave of destruction upon me.

I can't sleep, and sleeping is the only way to fight it.

The sleeping pills no longer have any effect. I've taken too many of them.

If i could just sleep everything would be alright. These feelings and desires would go away, but i can't sleep. Its too hot. The pills have no effect. I don't know what to do, and all i want to do is sleep and these feelings will go away.

I can't go to the doctor. I have insurance, but can't afford the co-pay. I can't afford the drugs and I don't want the drugs. The drugs are what kill you. They make this monster stronger.

I just want to down a fucking bottle of pills and see if i can fucking sleep, but i have to work in 4 hours so i can not afford anything. I hate my job. I fucking hate it with every ounce of my soul, but if i could get a good amount of sleep, i think i wouldn't hate it so fucking much.

Its not that i want to die right now. I just feel so fucking insignificant and worthless and lost, that i don't see any way back. If i could just get some fucking sleep, these feelings would go away. That's all i fucking ask for is SLEEEEP.

Sleep is my god. I wake up at 5 am every morning. I drink enough coffee to almost make it through the day. Too much coffee is probably what's keeping me up at night, but I can't make it through the day without it.

I wake up and immediately the only thing that holds any peace of mind is that i can come back to sleep later. I wake up to sleep. I work a job so i can have a place to sleep. That's all.

I'm miserable in my day job, and the one thing that use to bring me peace and santuary in my real life, now causes me hell. My scantuary is now my cage and i want to burn it all down, but i know its not them. Its me. Of course they ignore and hide from me. I'm crazy. I'm mad. I would hide from me to. I do hide from me and maybe that's what makes matters worse. I feel worthless and i burry it all down deep inside me and it comes bubbling up at night when I try to sleep.

All i want is to not feel like a slug on the bottom of the worlds shoe. I know i'm not. I feel like I'm larger and better than everyone. I work on making things happen, but they think I'm crazy and ignore me. I am crazy. This sounds like a madmans diatribe for destroying something, but I just want to destroy myself.

I don't want to die, i just want a good nights sleep.

I can't get a good nights sleep.

Why can't I get a good night's sleep???

Sleep.

15 minutes later i feel better. I still can't sleep.