Its back.

That feeling is back. I can;t control it. It comes creeping up, like a slow wave of destruction upon me.

I can't sleep, and sleeping is the only way to fight it.

The sleeping pills no longer have any effect. I've taken too many of them.

If i could just sleep everything would be alright. These feelings and desires would go away, but i can't sleep. Its too hot. The pills have no effect. I don't know what to do, and all i want to do is sleep and these feelings will go away.

I can't go to the doctor. I have insurance, but can't afford the co-pay. I can't afford the drugs and I don't want the drugs. The drugs are what kill you. They make this monster stronger.

I just want to down a fucking bottle of pills and see if i can fucking sleep, but i have to work in 4 hours so i can not afford anything. I hate my job. I fucking hate it with every ounce of my soul, but if i could get a good amount of sleep, i think i wouldn't hate it so fucking much.

Its not that i want to die right now. I just feel so fucking insignificant and worthless and lost, that i don't see any way back. If i could just get some fucking sleep, these feelings would go away. That's all i fucking ask for is SLEEEEP.

Sleep is my god. I wake up at 5 am every morning. I drink enough coffee to almost make it through the day. Too much coffee is probably what's keeping me up at night, but I can't make it through the day without it.

I wake up and immediately the only thing that holds any peace of mind is that i can come back to sleep later. I wake up to sleep. I work a job so i can have a place to sleep. That's all.

I'm miserable in my day job, and the one thing that use to bring me peace and santuary in my real life, now causes me hell. My scantuary is now my cage and i want to burn it all down, but i know its not them. Its me. Of course they ignore and hide from me. I'm crazy. I'm mad. I would hide from me to. I do hide from me and maybe that's what makes matters worse. I feel worthless and i burry it all down deep inside me and it comes bubbling up at night when I try to sleep.

All i want is to not feel like a slug on the bottom of the worlds shoe. I know i'm not. I feel like I'm larger and better than everyone. I work on making things happen, but they think I'm crazy and ignore me. I am crazy. This sounds like a madmans diatribe for destroying something, but I just want to destroy myself.

I don't want to die, i just want a good nights sleep.

I can't get a good nights sleep.

Why can't I get a good night's sleep???

Sleep.

15 minutes later i feel better. I still can't sleep.

Too much Six Feet Under....

I had a vision some three months ago that i would die in a car wreck. That car wreck would not be my fault and it would come in two years. Powerful to say the least. I can't explain it or how it happened, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.... Will it or won't it? Perhaps it was just meant to kick start something more. In life there are no accidents.

Sunday is the one year anniversary of my littlest sister Brittany's death. It has hit me especially hard and at a time where my ego and personality is at its most vulnerable. I've found myself in the home of two friends of mine, house sitting. They own the entire series of Six Feet Under on Dvd. Yes, i know its pretentious. Until now I had only watched the first season, some nine years ago when it first came out on DVD. It seemed fitting to watch as much of the five season series, as possible this week and just immerse myself in a tv show about living amongst death. There are no accidents, indeed.

In between watching and bawling my eyes out, its given me prime opportunity to think of the future of my life and existence. There is not to be a statement for my future here in this blog. If you recall back to a few months ago, you'll know that I am terrible at following up such grandiose schemes...

While watching this show during this vulnerable time has opened me up more to my future in this world, its also reminded me of that grave prophecy that my time on this rock is near. Forever near and growing closer.

I'd rather make a statement about my funeral, if it does indeed come someday soon. I have not the means to have a last will and testament written by a lawyer, so why not post it here for all the world to read. Why not share it with my friends, family and the world and see ask them to take their own in accord and ask them, what would they want in the end.

For me its simple. I'm not a religious man. Agnostic maybe, but in the end I'd like to think i subscribe to a more buddist ideal. We're all part of one big circle, one big river and body of life. I believe in life the universe and everything, and not some big white man with a beard in the sky.

A funeral heald in a church, with Psalms and prayers would not be right in my mind. I don't want my funeral to be represenative of a life i didn't believe in, much less lead. I want it to represent the life i DID lead. I fucking partied. I drank. I sang. I even occasionally danced. I'm Irish god damned it and I want a fucking party. Cry, go ahead, but don't be fucking SAD. Be happy for the fun and joy i had in this life.

I want booze, I want bands and i want broads. I want LIFE at my funeral. I want people to be happy they are still alive. I want them to LIVE it.

The best funeral I've ever been too, there was a bonfire. We drank and we told stories of our friend Tommy. I can't ask for anymore. Play the songs i loved. (lots of Drag The River.) Drink lots of booze (Whiskey and Beer.) Laugh and Love and Laugh some more.

Don't bury me in the ground. I'd never have it. Burn baby, burn, with me. I want to say take those ashes and throw them away, but i don't think anyone would follow those wishes. I've always wanted to fly. So throw them out an airplane in an exotic local I never made it too, but the triumph won't be me finally making it there, but rather the triumph of me getting YOU there. Just let me go and live your own god damned life.

Don't cry for me. Don't mope. Live. Because who knows what will happen tomorrow, or the next day....

"We'll drink from the bottle, like theres no tomorrow... There may not be."

"The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just that way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever. "

- Slaughterhouse Five

Colorado Springs Compilation and Festival?

My latest scheme comes off of an argument with a friend of mine. We were discussing my place here in town and how i was working hard on building something worthwhile here. She argued that I was building NOTHING and wasting my time in Colorado and that i could do better work elsewhere in the same field.

Well I feel like me and my fellow friends in the music works of Colorado Springs ARE actually doing well for this town and we are building a better foundation for a better music scene. Mostly to prove her wrong and the rest of the naysayers, I want to start a new project.

Last summer I put out a free music sampler of the upcoming touring bands coming through the Triple Nickel. I have been told by a few people it was a "great idea" and a "huge success," but I am quiet unsure it had the desired effect of bringing attention to the music we were bringing last summer. I'd like to do another this year with a larger scale in mind, and not just me sitting at the computer copying 100+ cds by my lonesome.

Then the wheels started turning. A lot of local bands wanted onto this compilation, which was designed to mostly promote the touring bands. The idea of a just local compilation wouldn't be a bad idea and over the last few weeks and months, this is the basis for what i want to do.

I want to do a local music compilation of bands who regularly play in Colorado Springs.

To Qualify for the compilation, each band must submit a track and a small nominal fee. I'm thinking around $20 - $30 bucks.

The money collected from the application fee goes into a fund to press the cds. I'm not thinking anything fancy, but a simple CD and cardboard slipcase.

I want to form a committee of 8-10 people.

These people would come from all walks of the art community in town. Their purpose would be to help judge the merit and fit of the songs on the compilation to make sure it fits and give a good impression to people who do NOT normally frequent local live music.

Not all tracks will make it to the final cut. I'm thinking about 20 tracks. If your track was not picked, you will not get your money back, but it will instead go into the fund for the CD pressing. Much like a film festival you do not get your application fee back if you are not chosen, this will work in the same manner.

The Cds would be given away FREE around town, with the main purpose of exposing people to different music they are not already aware of. It would also be used to attract people who do not frequent live music events in Colorado Springs. This would be the target audience for this project.

The tracks would also be available for free online so those who can not find the CDs may still enjoy it and be enriched by the music.

I'd like to do a huge release weekend EVENT, where several spaces around town have FREE showcases with local musicians. I'd like to do this in a similar way as Fort Collin's FoCoMx (http://www.focomx.org/) Which is a localized music festival where different bands who normally do not perform together share the same stage at venues they do not frequent often. IE Stab Crew plays with Edith Makes a Paperchain. (which is an extreme example, but you get the idea.) Only musicians featured on the compilation would make the cut, But i envision a week long event at several, several local bars, art galleries, ect.

How musicians would gain from this is the added exposure. The free Cd with their name and track circulating around the town would only help their exposure and find a new and different audience and help grow their fan base and show turnouts, resulting from bigger paycheck from the shows they do play.

The venues hosting the free shows would of course benefit from the added exposure to their spaces, and of course would still make profit off the bar, drinks, food, ect.

Bands who are not chosen, would also benefit from the added exposure to the music scene and concerts around town. They would also benefit from playing with other bands whose tracks made it to the final cut, and could grow off of their exposure.

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This is just a hair brain idea that's been rattling around in my brain for a few months now and has finally come to a head with the help of my negative friend and too much time on my hand.

This is not something I wish to do alone and on my own. We have A fabulous collective of people who wish to help and further the arts scene here in Colorado, and I wish to involve them every step of the way. Plus, with a committee of sorts to help decide the tracks, it makes it more fair for other bands who i might not necessarily enjoy to make it on the compilation rather than if i had just done it on my own.

Its a chance for all of us to come together and really work to unify the various art and musician cliques and bring us together and have some damned good parties because of it.

These are just ideas. I value your input and am eagerly awaiting it.

Let me know what you think.

and I'm a fool

As a young man I watched too many John cusak movies. I learned to believe their honesty, but in real life things don't work out like in the movies. So as i have spent my whole adolescent life I've spent trying to live up to my heroes as a John Cusak archetype, my brethren passed me by.....

I sit here confused. I am a 28 year old boy with the dating skills of a 15 year old boy. I've sat here trying to become the man i thought women wanted me to be only to learn the movies were wrong. Now I'm alone..... and no clue who or what to do....

John Cusak taught me wrong. Lloyd is not what women want. They don't want. Lane Meyer is not what they want. I am not what they want and I wonder. Have I wasted it all. Will I ever find that one who really and truly wants her lane Meyer? the one who will be loyal till the end? I doubt it. I honestly think i will be alone till the end....

But I am intoxicated. I am heartbroken over women. The ones who sucked me in, and the ones who sucked me out.... Friends. loves. looses.

Photos

I sit and stare out the window trying to soak up all the imagery. I search the landscapes for meaning and look to find hope for a better tomorrow. I sleep and dream of the colors of Seas I'll never know and times all but forgotten. We see so much and comprehend so little of this short journey. We seek answers when questions are not even made known. Perhaps there is no meaning. Perhaps this is all happenstance and nothing will become of any of this. Perhaps, just as I dream of lands I'll never see, this is all someone else's dream. Pawns to the stars. Pawns to the winds. We fight, but the sea always takes control, it always has its way. Helpless, we let go and let the adventure take us away.

At work this morning a coworker asked me if i was hungover. I simply replied "Its Saturday." That seemed to be explanation enough.

The Road...

I'm already failing at my attempt to post one blog a week for the entire year. I have not even begun to start my work for the lubricated zine. Alas, but i will not quit and i will strive to be better in my goals.

I'm sitting here thinking about this past 2 weeks. I've been back in colorado springs now for a few days and i cringe when i say the word "HOME." I live here. I work here. I play here, but i don't feel as though this town is my home.

I feel more alive and natural and more of MYSELF when on the road, traveling. In a strange town full of strange people I feel without my shell of insecurity and it is there that i can truly be free and truly be myself. I don't care about the embarrassment of being me, and my mistakes and misgivings. Who knows if the people i meet on the road, if i shall ever see them again. To them i can be anyone or anything. Its a truly freeing experience.

I know so many people so desperate and so sure that life will be better when they leave their hometowns and hit the road for brighter lights and bigger cities, but the majority of them are just running from themselves and who they are. They can restart and recreate themselves in the way that they see fit. That's what i did when I moved to Colorado 8.5 years ago. Its not always been easy, but I'm a changed man from that insecure little boy who packed up all his belongings and hit the road.

I sat in the seat of the van and as I saw America flash before my eyes, I just sat and watched. I sat and soaked it all in, the sights, sounds and smells. I rarely sleep for fear of missing something.

In the strange towns I sometimes wandered. So full of excitment and anticipation. I was at home. I was free. Its the gypsy blood in me flowing free. No longer confined to the mountain town I live in.

I love it in Colorado and i do good work and have good friends, but its not my home. My home is a two lane highway in the middle of nowhere and it calls my name ever so softly, always yearning for me to return to it.

I will return and I'll return not soon enough..... But for now, I'll live and die in Colorado... But the road will always be my home.